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A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.

The candidate replied "a beer".

At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a light beer."

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A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his  bicycle.

Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free–wheeled downhill to the Lodge.

Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

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There′s a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he′s very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II′mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

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Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.

One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am" said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
"OK, so what's the good news?"
"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. "What′s the bad news then?"
"You′re the Senior Deacon!

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Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

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A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn′t you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...  "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

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A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.  "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman.

"The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will take a short step forward with your left foot."